How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
