shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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