Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize