i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
