We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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