my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if only i could text you this smell
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
