I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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