am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
