It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you had me at cake vodka
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Randomize
