i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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