i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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