yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
