Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
