i wish starbucks made bloody marys
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
