His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
