I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The feeling are messing with the penis
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
