There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
