Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
