so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
