dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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