hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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