is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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