I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
