Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize