I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize