dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
