He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
