The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's always time for handjobs
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
