I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
