I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
