someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
