What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
