my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
