just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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