Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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