I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
