Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
