Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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