I'm jealous of your bromance
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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