We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
