He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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