12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
