i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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