I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
