Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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