New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
