If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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