i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
