really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
