Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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