talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
