is your mom at the bar?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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