I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
