My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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