the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
