someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
