whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
