After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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