I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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