He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
