i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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