she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
