tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
