Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
