Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
