not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
They took my balls.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
