Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Drake has all the answers
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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