We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
two words: eviction party
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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