never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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