How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
