so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
